The Caddy that Zigs.. remember that? It had a name! oh what a car it was....
There was the Deville DTS (whatever the F*** thats supposed to mean) with it's nightvision camera. The camera itself replaced the Cadillac emblem in the middle of the grille, effectively de-badging it. Self shame was displayed on what was supposed this brand's top car.
Then comes the Cadillac LMP car. "We came, we saw, we raced." And the STSi (is STS supposed to be a reference to space missions?) safety car which was FRONT wheel drive. Did anyone care?
The Cien, some instantly unforgettable V12 supercar with inboard suspension bowed late in 2001 and was utterly pointless. Around that time the Led Zeppelin commercials were in full swing and quite annoying. And this would continue on for a few years.
Did debuting the CTS in Matrix: Revolutions help? Probably not because that movie was retarded too. Didnt Morpheus employ a Lincoln Continental for the original Matrix movie? The CTS was the mark of a new direction.
Bowling for more green: reskinning the Corvette to the XLR and XLR-V was a similar dismal failure. The much hated Lexus SC 430 sold in greater quantities.
The CTS-V would show the world just how well GM could stuff a Corvette into whatever shape they wanted . But BMW M didnt define BMW either (nor did the 507, sadly).
Moving right along; after BMW decided it wanted to become Lexus and Lexus decided that it wanted to become Lucasfilm; Cadillac found it's identity again. And the ATS was born just for Car and Driver, miata guys and online car forum regulars; does anyone else care about this tiny car and it's backseat which couldnt hold much more than an AR-15?
The CTS would then move on to fill the bones of the STS (at last that name is dead), again to the collective applaud of 12 poorly dressed automotive journalists. And is it a problem that this current CTS looks like Alec Baldwin? Perhaps the vaunted GM supercomputer figured that sales success was to be found exclusively within the viewership of 30 rocks ? And Hillarity Rodham Clinton thought that SNL would win her the election while she was sleeping in a black Toyota HiAce.
Today the DTS mentioned at the beginning of this chronicle found a RWD backbone as the CT6, but without the sales numbers: losing fleet and livery to Lincoln (and it's Front wheel drive rubbish). GM never updated the DOHC Northstar V8, and the stellar LS/LT series of engines, with their slick low profile heads were apparently too hot (or not socialist enough) for what was hoped to be a mini plutocrat CT6.
Im going to go work on my truck now.
You trust in hell muthafu*ka and you're already in hell.
That's why I trust in heaven and I'm already there; muthafu*ka.